It's a Yard Sale!

Hello! I'm going to post my hockey schedule, mostly because some of the peeps at my kickboxing gym expressed interest in coming to see me play. This is an explanatory post to go over some general information.

I normally wear # 57, although on my women's team (the Yetis), I wear # 20. I have a white helmet and black skates with green laces. I am currently playing on 3 teams:

White Yetis - This is my women's team. We only have one color jersey, so we always wear white. There are only 4 teams in the womens division - Red Hots, Bluefooted Bloobies, Black Sheesh, and us. We always play on Tuesdays, and are currently still in our regular season. In our playoffs, the team that is in first place in the rankings plays the fourth place team, and the teams in second and third place play each other. The winner of those games play in the final (the following Tuesday) and the losing teams play in a consolation game. Our games are also always at the same rink, so if you want to see both games you can!

Scrooge McPuck - This is a coed team, with almost equal numbers of men and women. There is no requirement to have a certain number of women on the coed teams, so there are some teams we play against that are all men, although most teams have a handful of women. We are currently in the beginning of the playoffs, which are double elimination. So that means you don't get eliminated until you lose 2 games. We were the third place team going into the playoffs, and we already lost a game with the second place team. We are in Division 8, and our home jerseys are cream colored, and our away jerseys are maroon.

All Blacks - Apparently we are named after the New Zealand rugby team, if you are wondering about the name! We have playing cards on our jerseys though. We wear white for home games and black for away games. I am one of two women on this team. This team has the same playoff structure as Scrooge McPuck, but we are not in the same division so we don't play each other. We have not played in a playoff game yet. We are also third going into the playoffs, and playing the second place team for our first game of the playoffs. We are in Division 7B. 

There are 24 divisions in the league, in case you are wondering. There is the Womens Division, two Over 40 divisions, and the rest are numbered and lettered divisions, where Division 1 is the highest skill level, and 10B is the most beginner. Our league, the Kraken Hockey League, puts on Learn to Skate clinics, and then many of the people in the clinics form new teams and start in Division 10 and 10B. As their teams improve, they can move up divisions. 

For the numbered leagues, there are two seasons - a long fall/winter/spring season and a shorter summer season. So we are now going into the playoffs for the long season. After the playoffs are done, there's usually a short break, 2 or 3 weeks, and then we start the next season. For the Womens and Over 40 divisions, the seasons are approximately equal lengths, so we have a Fall, Winter, and Summer season each year. 

If you want to see the schedule for the whole league, it is here: https://krakenhockeyleague.com/schedule and the website for the league is here: https://krakenhockeyleague.com/home 

I'm NOT melting.

Hello blog! Long time, no write. I was in a writing workshop quite a while ago where some people talked about how they struggled to think of themselves as writers. I so don't have that problem. I can go years of not writing and still think that being a writer is fundamentally who I am. Writing is my calling in life. I've never doubted it. I have got down on myself a lot because I wasn't writing, but quitting entirely is not an option. To be so sure of myself in that part of my being is having a beautiful, glittering jewel that is always inside me. Glittering wildly.

The reason I haven't been blogging is that the whole thing with co-workers at my job in L.A. finding my blog and telling other co-workers that I was "bad mojo" really hit a nerve. Some people thought it was the loss of anonymity that was the problem. It wasn't. My name is on this blog. I have no problem with other people knowing about it. That's kind of the point. Otherwise I wouldn't be sharing it with potentially anyone in the world! (Except China. My blog is blocked there.) It's because it touched on my most agonizing fear - that deep down inside I'm a bad, broken person. That I was abused and raped because I was born with something unspeakably vile inside me that made those things happen, or that the abuse made me so damaged that I will never be okay. 

There were some, with good intentions I realize, who told me I shouldn't have made my blog public in the first place and should immediately take it down before it causes me more harm. Which, surprise! That made me feel even worse about myself, like writing about myself is revealing the rot inside me. It made me feel like the things I lived through and that are part of me, and how I think and feel about them, is something to be ashamed of. Which, again, goes directly against what the blog is all about. I started it because I was trying to stand up to the shame that had kept me in denial and numb and not able to share myself with other people. 

Blogging was the thing that did the most for me when I started dealing with how dead I felt inside. It was like how the Wizard of Oz movie went from black and white to color when Dorothy arrived in Oz. Sure, there was a dead wicked witch, and another wicked witch willing to kill for a pair of shoes, and a fraud was running Oz, but Dorothy went on a journey and made friends and successfully overcame her antagonists. (In the books she also goes back to Oz again and again and ends up living there with her aunt and uncle, so it wasn't a dream or escape from reality that the 1939 movie makes it out to be.) Isn't that what life is all about? That was what I wanted. A life that I could experience rather than hide from. Friends I could rely on and they could rely on me. Being able to grow emotionally rather than being stuck in the same place. 

People say it all the time, but it's true. Being able to talk about these horrible things that were done to us is powerful. It subverts the powerlessness and shame we feel. Holding it inside is like carrying around rocks in your pockets and you keep needing more pockets, more room for rocks until you're wearing five winter coats stuffed with rocks and it's a sunny day and you can barely move with the weight you're carrying and you're sweating like crazy and trying to hide it because you want to walk in the sun with everyone else. You're a weirdo in five winter coats, but the rocks are hidden. You think if one rock falls out, then another will, then an avalanche you can't control, and the other people out walking will freak out and run away from you, or stop and stare at you while you cry and lose your shit and want to melt into the sidewalk. Which, not gonna lie, does happen. 

You may find yourself in front of a huge room of people and cameras talking about the most painful and humiliating experience of your life. Then this huge room of people are like, there there, we believe you, but we're still going to put the person responsible in a position that will influence the lives of everyone in this country because we don't think what he did to you is relevant. Theoretically. People could see you differently and feel uncomfortable with who you really are. You may lose friends. You could lose your job. You will probably cry a lot more and lose your shit a bunch more times and feel humiliated and exposed again. Your life and how you thought about yourself could change irrevocably. Some people decide that carrying the rocks is a better option for them. You could drop some of the rocks and decide to keep holding the rest. There really are no great options when someone dumps a bunch of soul-crushing rocks on you, just the one you can tolerate the most at the time. 

So yeah, I got overwhelmed with all the pain and insecurity that came up when I was exposed as the blogger with yucky victimization all over her, and retreated into myself. I couldn't stand feeling judged and found to be damaged goods. I was mortified that my co-workers believed I would get my bad mojo on them if they talked to me. I lost my dream job that I had been fighting to get to for the previous ten years. I felt broken, unsure of who I was anymore and where I was trying to get. It probably would be accurate to say that it broke me - not permanently though. It was more like a serious injury that required surgery, but the first one wasn't entirely successful, and I had to keep going back to the hospital for more surgeries and to try different therapies. It didn't feel like it would get better but then it did start getting better. In actuality, I had two surgeries during that time. I had my appendix removed while I was still in L.A. and my gall bladder removed after I moved back to Seattle. I also worked on different types of therapy. Most recently, I went through a cognitive behavioral therapy program that was specifically designed for child abuse survivors with PTSD. Can you imagine?! I never thought that would exist when I was diagnosed. 

I'm still slogging through it and making discoveries about myself and untangling my own web of confusing emotions and reactions and defense mechanisms. It's frustrating. I wish I didn't still have that part of my brain that interprets the bad stuff as being my fault and sees myself as undeserving and unlovable. I wish I didn't have a vast expanse of subconscious motivations that drag me into re-traumatizing situations. I wish I could be done with these dysfunctional patterns of behavior and thought. I wish it was as straightforward as dropping the rocks, taking off the coats, flipping off the people staring at me, and walking away. The yellow brick road is just ahead. 

That makes me think, 1) damn, I love the Oz books so much, and 2) maybe I'm at that part where the Wicked Witch of the West captures Dorothy, which means I'm pretty far into the story and will get back to the Emerald City in no time after I escape. The book is a little different from the movie - when Dorothy is captured by the Wicked Witch of the West, the witch keeps her prisoner while she schemes to get Dorothy to take off the silver shoes (ruby slippers in the movie) so she can take them. The witch eventually tricks Dorothy into taking off one of the shoes, which makes Dorothy so angry she throws a bucket of water on her. Because she's pissed. Like the movie, the water unexpectedly melts her away.

Just to stay with the metaphor, my blog is not the flying monkeys or the Munchkins or even the Good Witch of the North. My blog is the ruby slippers/silver shoes. They've been with me since I started this journey. They are the most valuable things I have and I will not take them off no matter how many wolves, crows, or swarms of black bees come after me. They take me places and while I could walk without them, they do so much than regular shoes. Because my blog is magical. It's powerful. I have never regretted anything I shared on this public blog. It's not the blog's fault I got off track any more than it's the magic shoes fault that Dorothy was captured by the witch. The blog set me free. The blog did more than anything else to fight the shame that kept me hidden, even and especially from myself. The blog got me here, which is not the final destination but it's a world away from where I started. The blog helped me connect with other survivors. The blog is everything.

I generally have a rule that I won't apologize for my writing. It came from that writing workshop, where people who didn't feel like writers gave speeches about how terrible their writing was before sharing it. It kind of annoys the crap out of me. But, this is the first time I've really written about my recovery in a very long time. I feel out of practice, but surprisingly comfortable writing again. So I'm not apologizing, just noting that it's been a really long time and I'm not going to edit the hell out of this before I post!

Just kidding, I did do a bunch of editing. I can't help it. 

 

Can I live tweet a hockey game on my blog instead of Twitter?

Kings season opening against Sharks, Oct 7, 2015

I'm watching the first day of the NHL regular season on TV. They are still showing the game before my game, so I am impatiently waiting to see my Los Angeles Kings play at home against the San Jose Sharks. It's been a fast and fancy/finesse-y game, which has been fun to watch even though I don't like either team.

Last minute and a half! Penalties...and a fight! Pierre McGuire just called it nasty! Penalties called, timeout accompanied by Metallica. They're playing the exciting music because the home team has a power play and is down by one. And they score, but it was waved off. Calling Toronto. Playing "Highway to Hell." Repeated replays while we wait.

Game before the Kings. Another loss by the home team. Oct 7, 2015

And the ruling- call stands, the play was complete. It was already whistled dead. More dramatic music. One minute to go. It's cleared. Two more shots on net. This is the Henrik Lundqvist show. It's cleared again, and it's over. We're on to L.A. Wait, it looked like the camera person on the ice fell down.

We lost a couple players over the off-season. Oct 7, 2015

14:58 left in the 1st period. I missed a Kings goal and a fight! Nooooooooo! Is that the Zombie Kyle Clifford? So glad he got to be in the first fight of the regular season. Ah, it's my friend Pickles (Marc-Edouard Vlasic). I'm glad I learned to type because I can write and watch at the same time. It's my friend Tommy Wingels! He wears my number, 57. There aren't a lot of 57's in the league, so I treasure each one. I swear all my "friends" are not on the Sharks. So weird to see Martin Jones playing for the Sharks. He used to be on the Kings. Oooooo, noooo, Joe Thornton scored. That was one of those goals you saw happening as soon as he touched it.

Too much Joe, Oct 7, 2015

Dustin Brown just showed off the moves! Nice shot. Just saw Christian Ehrhoff in #10. Ugh. Not because he is Christian Ehrhoff, because that's Mike Richards number and I miss him. I like Christian Ehrhoff and we need him. Eeee, we just had a great scoring chance. And a penalty is called. Commercial break. We have a power play. Martin Jones looks like he's having fun. Issue with the clock. Marian Gaborik! Red Hot Chilly Peppers! And Gaborik got a penalty. 4-on-4. Damn, Brent Burns! Trim your beard! You don't get to pretend its the post-season just because both teams missed the playoffs last season. We pressure their goalie, now they are pressuring ours. We're tired and can't get off the ice. Wow, its getting rough in the corner. Replay of mid-ice check on Logan Couture by Dustin Brown. He looks outraged.

Ehrhoff goes to the sin bin, Oct 7, 2015

We have a penalty kill, and, we got scored on. It's 2-1. Almost four minutes to go in the first period. They are gushing about how great Dustin Brown looked coming into training camp. He's 30! He had to change up his conditioning because he's an old man now! The 70's line is still together (#77 Jeff Carter, #70 Tanner Pearson, #73 Tyler Toffoli). This game has a lot more checking and elbows than the last game! Jonathan Quick covers. And we got another penalty. Christian Ehrhoff. Period is over. I don't think I can keep writing so much. This is going to get really long if I do. I usually talk to the TV a lot, but now I'm chattering via the written word. Maybe I should go back to talking to the TV. I don't yell, I just moan a lot and calmly make suggestions. Also, I say "ooo, ooo, ooo" when it looks like something exciting is happening, which is how I got the nickname Monkey. Maybe it's good I'm not watching this in public.

The Canucks game is going better. Oct 7, 2015

So the new NBC hockey music is interesting. Is it new? I think it's new. I have a feeling that music is going to get old pretty quick. They like to pick some intense, hard-hitting music that is only not irritating the first couple of times you hear it. This is terrible that the Vancouver Canucks v. Calgary Flames game is at the same time as this game. It looks fun! They totally hate each other. I'm making tea during the intermission. That doesn't sound very hockey-appropriate. At least it's a hot beverage.

Oh, they just showed the Staples Center and I miss it there so much.

So, the second period did not go well for us. At least I had relaxing tea. Sharks are doing a good job of protecting Jones. He hasn't even faced that many shots, but when he does, he's making the saves.

Bad 2nd period! Bad! Oct 7, 2015

Did he just refer to the Sharks as Anaheim or did I imagine that? Normally, the friends that I am staying with would not be getting this game, but they are doing a freebie of NHL Center Ice until almost the end of October. To get you hooked. Also, I am doing the Richard Hugo House's 30/30 Writing Challenge this month. I'm writing at least 30 minutes a day for 30 days. Also, it's a fundraiser for Hugo House, and I have my own fundraising page! (If you click on the link it will open on a new window.) Ouch, San Jose just scored again, to make it 5-1. Maybe I'm slightly glad I'm not in Staples Center right now. The crowd is very, very quiet. Carter is getting frustrated.

Jeff Schultz, Oct 7, 2015

Ugh, large fight. The Sharks' Barclay Goodrow got hit into the ice by Matt Greene, and then Andy Andreoff beat the crap out of him. That was painful to watch (although his name is awesomely funny, and he's 6 foot 2 inches. I guess when another over 6 foot guy is whaling on you, you don't look tall.) We looked like bullies. Not a big fan of fighting to "get your team back in the game." It never seems to work for one thing. Not that the Sharks didn't have anything to do with the fight. I guess everybody loves to see the Kings and the Sharks beating on each other. It is an entertainingly physical game, but if they're going to have to work this hard in every game, they're going to get awfully worn out awfully fast.

Sedin power! Oct 7, 2015

Awww, the guys in the box look sad. There are three in our box, and two in theirs. Carter has another good chance after the penalties are over, but it looks grim regardless. I do have a soft spot for the Sharks because they are my favorite color, teal, and I like Vlasic and Wingels. But they have too many Joes, especially in this game. The Joes are killing us. I'm not feeling very fond of them right now. At least the Canucks dominated the Flames. Maybe I should have switched to that game.

Another goal. Oct 7, 2015

Ow, Couture just knocked Quick over, landed in the goal, and got punched in the face by Quick. Now San Jose has two guys in the penalty box. 5 on 3! Can we score? We haven't scored since the beginning of the game, which I missed. I need to see a goal!

Rough night for Jonathan Quick, Oct 7, 2015

Well, instead of a goal we got a melee in front of the Sharks bench. Couture is going to need some ice after this game. Damn, they just said Joel Ward (of the Sharks) is coming off two consecutive seasons of playing all 82 games. Damn! He's even over the hill (34). They called him durable. I guess! That's amazing. And the game is over.

Well, hope springs eternal. Bring on the next game! We're playing the Arizona Coyotes this Friday at home. The Canucks are playing the Flames again this Saturday, and then the Anaheim Ducks on Monday and the Kings on Tuesday! Looking forward to the next week in hockey!

Of course my beaver is angry

The Angry Beaver in Seattle, WA on September 29, 2015

Last night I went to Seattle's only hockey bar, The Angry Beaver. It happened to be the night of the "Save The Angry Beaver" gathering (the off-season was not kind to them), and a Los Angeles Kings vs. Anaheim Ducks preseason game at the Staples Center in L.A. Also, the L.A. Dodgers won the National League West, so it was an eventful night. I'm not going to lie- this was the first time I've watched a Kings game since I moved, and especially because the game was at the Staples Center where I've been to at least a hundred Kings games, it made me miss L.A. a lot. If for nothing else, it is so damn cold in Seattle. The second I got here, it was, hello, I know you've been in a place with no seasons for eight years, but it's autumn not summer anymore! It really doesn't get freezing cold that often in Seattle, but the damp chilliness here is a typical weather feature. I'm wearing a hoodie plus gloves or a hat almost every waking hour, except for the brief but much appreciated mid-afternoon sun most days because it is still September. I did miss my hoodies and wearing actual clothes, and the heat in L.A. was driving me bonkers. This is certainly closer to hockey weather than L.A. I'm not constantly worrying about my tattoos getting too much sun, and then grudgingly smearing "healthy" (not full of dangerous chemicals with a shockingly bad Environmental Working Group rating) sunscreen all over, leaving a sunscreen film everywhere I go and grease stains on my skimpy L.A. clothes.

The bar was pretty great. It was dive-y, but not too much so (like you're afraid someone will be beaten up by a biker or some coked-up weirdo will attempt to express his interest in you using physical assault) and there was Canadian-appropriate food, that was both good and plentiful (if a tad slow to come out.) Of course I got poutine, with curry gravy which was completely awesome. I did get a stomachache, but that was probably the four glasses of Coca-Cola I drank while watching the entire game with laser focus. A friend met me there, and lasted a little bit into the second period before she had to go home. Even though she is not a hockey fan, she listened politely as I tried to explain the rules, how to watch without trying to follow the puck which is tempting but nearly impossible and you miss a lot of the good stuff, and various factoids about the Kings players. I am very nerdy in my own ways, primarily about accounting and hockey. It's always nice when people don't get bored and visibly annoyed when you talk about your passions. Yes, people have come up to me at parties and asked, "What do you do?" and when I tell them I'm an accountant, just turn around and walk away. For real.

When I lived in Seattle before, I never found my hockey people. Most people I knew didn't even like sports, so I was the lone hockey obsessive. One of the coolest things that happened last night is that the owner of the bar came over to talk to me within five minutes of me sitting down. He was so enthusiastic that I was a hockey fan, and there. Just being in a bar full of hockey fans warmed my heart. Everyone was friendly and lots of people smiled at me. I didn't get a single scowl, except when one of the only people I know in Seattle who plays hockey showed up. He's an acquaintance who is from L.A., who I unfriended a couple months ago when he posted an article about an NHL player who has been accused of rape (not going to say his name, but you probably know who I'm talking about), did the, "I'm reserving judgement until the facts come out" thing, followed by what people usually mean when they say something like that- "I'm trying to sound reasonable and fair just before I shit on every rape victim who reads this by speculating, speculating without any factual evidence, that the woman deserved it, deserved to be raped, for drinking and going somewhere with a man." Because that's a completely reasonable expectation, that a woman can never be alone with a man that she doesn't know really, really well, like a family member. No, not even a family member and certainly not an internationally known father-figure. I can only conclude that men who say these things want every woman to regard him as a potential rapist and refuse to spend time alone with him or have a drink around him, because according to his moral compass, if he drugs your drink, you get drunk, or you go home with him with some naive idea that you'd talk, get to know each other, maybe kiss or make-out instead of him holding you down and forcing himself in you, he regards it as your responsibility. Message received. So yeah, he saw me, said hello and then scowled at me.

I kind of took that as a positive, as I knew I would run into him at some point because it is a small hockey community and why not the first time I ventured in? I was just happy to be there, watching the Kings game, talking hockey with various people I just met, basking in the good hockey feelings I'd been missing. The Kings ended up losing in overtime, and a handful of people cheered at the bar. The owner had warned me ahead of time that Kings fans hang out there but there is good-natured ribbing directed at them in particular. Can't say I'm surprised. Lots of people hate L.A., but I totally don't care. I still love the Kings. I even feel some love for the Dodgers, even though I'm not much of a baseball fan. I did go to a Dodgers game right before I left L.A. It was Kings night. I got a t-shirt, and talked to various people we just met because we changed seats about eight times and made new friends every time. The world feels like a much friendlier place when you find your people.

A Guide to Seattle, Hipsters, and You

Red Mill Burgers, opened 1994 (original 1937)

I've been staying with some friends who have a house in Shoreline, which is just north of Seattle. The house is big enough that they can avoid me, which is good, because they are a couple and I worry about imposing on their couple time. But they have been nothing but completely gracious about hosting this unemployed, homeless migrant (not refugee, Los Angeles isn't that bad.) They insist on sharing Suzie's home-cooked dinners with me, she cleaned out their garage so I could get all my possessions out of my car parked on the street, they let me use their washer and dryer, which make the cutest little dings when they are done, and Suzie has driven me around town so I can see the wreckage that all the Californians moving up here has wrought.

Actually, Seattleites have been blaming Californians for driving up housing prices and bringing traffic congestion with them way before I moved to L.A. It's kind of like the "punk is dead" refrain that started in the late seventies and continued to declare that punk today is nothing like real punk which is gone forever thanks to these posers with no concept of where it all came from! That said, it's hard not to think Seattle is going the way of San Francisco where you seemingly need a high paying job at a tech firm or a trust fund to afford a decent place within Seattle, and the traffic, while far from what it is in L.A., is going in that direction. It's cracked the top 10 in the US, above Chicago and just below Boston. The condos that were popping up around the city before I left, like thistles that you don't notice until they get so tall and sturdy you're not sure how to remove them, or took over a whole area seemingly overnight (ahm, Belltown), have taken hold in or around practically every neighborhood that had it's own unique personality and people.

I think the condo buildings might be somewhat tolerable if they weren't so horribly ugly. They look like giant square building blocks, interchangeably mindless and towering over the buildings that actually have character. They look like they went up overnight, without a thought for how they would look in the area or fit in with the existing architecture. What happened to Ballard, my tour guide has told me, is what every other neighborhood that has a chance to head off uncontrolled growth is trying to avoid. Ballard was once the part of town known for having a lot of old people that drove painfully slow and vaguely nautically themed bars for the people (i.e. men, mostly) from the fishing boats that come into the port from Alaska. It was the Scandinavian part of town. Tourists would sometimes go there to see the locks, and I took my Scandinavian relatives to the stores that sold Scandinavian flags and potholders, and to commune with other people who knew what lutefisk was, and ate it! I'll wait while you look up what lutefisk is, and check out the videos of the lutefisk eating contest that was held at the Ballard SeafoodFest every year. Every year, that is, until 2013. That is the last year they had the "crowd-pleaser" lutefisk eating contest, as far as I can tell.

They still have the SeafoodFest, but I sure didn't see any signs that this was still the Scandinavian part of town. It is now the absolutely overrun with condos and precious hipster restaurants and bars part of town, wait, that's everywhere. Didn't see many hipsters though. Ballard, long ignored by the cool kids and left to the old sailors, had been discovered by hipsters that were over it with Capitol Hill and driven away from Fremont by the brewpub fratty meat market crowd, but it was the secret, only appreciated by those willing to make the trek for a handful of dive bars and diners. Where do the hipsters go now? When the hipster themed businesses move in, you know they are only going there to work. It is awful, absolutely awful, that so much of Seattle is so generic and expensive and flavorless, when it used to have such distinct neighborhoods, places that were unique unto themselves, and so uniquely Seattle. But, this is not new for Seattle, and not new for any growing city. The whole reason Ballard was the secret cool place for a moment was that unappreciated, quirky places are only that until other people figure it out. It's kind of a Seattle thing to always be looking for what is odd and unappreciated, and appreciating it until everyone else figures out how cool it is and ruins it.

That said, Seattle is bursting at the seams with people moving here and not enough housing and asphalt and places to hang out to contain them all, which, like San Francisco, is driving out the locals and people with personality but not tons of disposable income that can't afford to compete with not just Californians, but with people who are recruited here by certain Seattle-based businesses, businesses who are too good to hire University of Washington MBA's. They throw bonuses, high salaries, and perks at people who put in their two years of burn-out and then are looking for another job locally, or are ranked and involuntarily yanked, with the same result. Rank and yank is the employee motivational method proudly followed by another powerful and admired company, until it went bankrupt due to such massive fraud that it spawned my specialty, the Sarbanes-Oxley Act of 2002. It all comes around.

Seattle is still here though, the real Seattle, the weird fishing town. To quote Art Chantry (look him up) in the movie Hype! (look it up), which came out in 1996, "So all these people come here, and then there's all this publicity, and... "Northern Exposure" and "Twin Peaks" and all this stuff, and everyone wants to come here and live the good yuppie lifestyle, but all this time there's all these people that are underneath that were here first and they're just starving and they're all crazy."

Seattle's Batman is a lawyer that works on 3rd Avenue.

Look at this little brown bat! Are they cute or what?!?!

I'm started to feel better about my move to Seattle. I took the bus downtown and met with some job recruiters, in person, so they saw my lip piercings, and one of them mentioned my tongue piercing. I've had my tongue pierced for twenty-four years, and it's one of my body modifications I forget about, or at least forget that people do notice it when I talk. The two that I talked to are totally clear that I will not take them out, and that I'm looking for a place that will not have issues with me not looking or being a cookie-cutter finance and accounting clone. They both seemed completely comfortable with me and this limitation. That probably had more to do with my comfort with myself and my own boundaries than anything else. Also talking to them about my resume made me realize that I have a very good resume with a lot of valuable experience.

I do still have significant doubts about whether any corporate environment would be tolerable to me, but the beauty of the piercings is that I'm putting it out there, on my face, that I am not going to be a good fit with a company that I probably wouldn't want to work at anyway. We're also dealing with this issue up front as they are making sure to discuss this with the company before any interviews take place. I was rejected for two jobs within 12 hours though. I passed on one before they even approached them because it was at a biotech with drama. I worked at a biotech with drama already, and a medical company with drama, and have no desire to get anywhere near medical/biotech drama ever again. Instability and power struggles seem fairly common in this particular industry, and when I google a company name and the first thing that comes up is a recent article about the board forcing out its second CEO in less than a year, it does not bode well. The ones that rejected me were, company is fun and casual but the CFO is too conservative for that, and a temporary project that someone at the recruiting firm pitched to me over the phone but hadn't met me in person, and I said, did you know about the piercings? So she put me on hold for quite a while, and then said she'd call me back, and then asked if I'd take them out, and I said no, and then she kept saying, "well, it's your choice" and I thought, but didn't say, uh, yeah, it sure is my choice.

Anyway, somehow I just feel better having it out there, and giving myself the chance to potentially find a place that I would fit in with and greatly reducing the chance I would fall into a job where I hate the culture. One of the other avenues I'm pursuing is a government/university job. I had an interview at my alma mater today. I interviewed with three people, and while they probably wouldn't have said anything about my piercings if they did have a problem with it, they didn't stare or look startled or freaked out, so that was a good sign. I was the first person to interview for the job, which they told me several times, which I don't really know how to interpret? Hopefully I blew them away and all the rest of the interviewees pale in comparison. I really felt comfortable with all three of the people, and them seemed very smart and down to earth, and the job sounds really cool and interesting, and OH MY GOD I WOULD LOVE TO WORK AT MY ALMA MATER! I love that university. I went there for undergrad and grad school, and would be totally trying to get into their MFA program except that they don't offer creative nonfiction.

But one of the issues with government/university is that the interview process can move really slowly, I'm told, so pursuing these jobs requires patience. Not my strong suit. I also kind of fall in love with some jobs I interview for, or the idea of the job, prematurely, so I'm trying to just move on and not think about this one until I hear something. Also, while they did seem to like me and my experience, I had some moments of unfocused blabbing (like what I do on my blog pretty much all the time lately) which does not necessarily help my case. I hate those, give an example of some blah blah difficult situation, how did you handle it, what would you have done differently, questions. So dangerous for an arguably overly open, chatty person such as myself.

In conclusion, be patient, work on the unfocused blabbing, there are a ton of job postings for this university in finance and accounting and I have an interview for another job there next week. Things are looking up. Also, the area of downtown I was in and the university district don't look nearly as different as Capitol Hill, so that made me feel less like I had come back to a completely changed Seattle. It is kind of a bummer that I am probably priced out of living in Capitol Hill when it was where I live for the three years before I moved, and, is it even possible to park on Capitol Hill at all? But Capitol Hill was one of the busiest and most expensive parts of town even back then, so I'm not totally surprised. It is unfortunate that the condos have taken over, but I do like the rainbow crosswalks.

In other news, as I have shared on Facebook, I attempted to participate in a bat rescue in downtown yesterday. Why this poor bat was in a tree downtown and fell out of it onto the street during rush hour morning traffic we may never know. I was walking to my interview with one of the recruiters, and I saw this guy trying to get this tiny bat out of the street and on to the sidewalk. He seemed pretty frazzled, so initially I was just trying to offer some moral support to this kind man who was obviously on his way to work and was unable to just walk past an injured animal like so many others were. We got the poor critter on the sidewalk, when promptly a group of people who seemed to come out of a sitcom about horrible, selfish people started taking pictures with their cell phones and telling us with glee in their voices that this bat is going to die! I couldn't even look at them I was so pissed, so I focused on the bat and brainstorming with the guy as to who we would call for bat rescue services.

Meanwhile, it did look brutal. The bat was on his back, shaking in the cold, and every time a bus drove by, it created a wind that blew right into her. (The bat would have definitely been hit by a bus if not for this man because we were next to a bus stop and buses were swooping in close to the curb every minute or two.) I was trying to shield the bat from the wind and cold by cupping my hands around him, which was super ineffective. A doorman from the building we were in front of came over and tried to help, and they moved a orange cone on the sidewalk next to the bat, and then the doorman brought over a plastic trashcan that he put over the bat to protect him. The guy got a hold of someone from the city who was sending someone over, no eta, and he obviously wanted to get to work but didn't want to abandon the situation, so I told him I'd stay and wait with the little bat.

The doorman picked up the trashcan, and little bat (who was tiny, would fit in the palm of my hand) had flipped over. She made a beeline for the cone and crawled underneath. The two of them went into the building, and I sat on the sidewalk next to the cone, hoping he didn't crawl under the cone to die. She had pulled her wings into his body and was sticking her tongue out before he was under the trashcan, and scurried under the cone so quickly that I had a lot more hope for her than I did when we first got him on the sidewalk.

The guy from the city actually showed up in less than an hour, which is amazing! Downtown, morning traffic, I don't know how he got there so fast. Soon after he showed up, this woman stopped by and said she sat across from the heroic man, who is a lawyer that works in the building we were in front of and told her the amazing bat story, The city guy gave us business cards, and took my name and number, and scooped the bat into a coffee can. This was the first time the bat showed any aggression at all. She hissed at the city guy, or the coffee can, I couldn't tell which. The city guy thought I was very brave to have my hands near the bat because bats can have rabies. Thing is, the bat didn't act aggressively towards us at all. I imagine he was preoccupied with survival. When I think back on the whole thing, I am just awed by how bravely this tiny bat fought for her life, and hope he is still alive. Also, it reminds me that some people are incredibly compassionate, and some people are incredibly callous, and it's hard to tell about everyone else who walked by. Human nature is often to not get involved, and to keep walking.

I actually had an experience of this back when I was the age that I got my first piercings. I was waiting for the bus on Broadway, the main street through Capitol Hill. There was a guy, possibly someone I had seen at parties or even knew, passed out just down the street. I assumed he was drunk, even though it was the middle of the day. I had a bad feeling and kept looking over there, thinking that I should go check on him but feeling frozen and anxious. I don't even know what I was afraid of, what was holding me back. Maybe that I didn't know what I would do if there was something wrong, that I felt too powerless to help him? Finally a woman did stop to check on him, which initially I was relieved that someone besides me had done, but then she started calling out to people to call an ambulance (days before cell phones). A crowd gathered, and the consensus seemed to be that he had overdosed on heroin.

I never heard anyone in my little punk scene mention someone who had overdosed after that, so I don't know what happened to him, if he lived or died. I felt the most intense shame that I did nothing. This was even someone like me, about the same age, a punk boy, someone I probably did have friends in common with. Maybe if I had gone over the ambulance would have come sooner and he would have had a better chance. What if he died? I'll never know what happened to him. It haunted me. After that, I tried to never keep walking. I know I can't live with myself if I don't stop. Sometimes I just check to make sure someone is breathing. It was overwhelming when I lived in San Francisco. I walked by so many people, literally in the gutter, and I saw so many people step over people lying on the sidewalk without even looking at them. But I can still understand that it's hard to stop. It sometimes feels like a primal thing, that you are fighting against all your instincts to get involved. So I really can't blame people. But it is a wonderful thing that there are people who stop and try to help.

I give Lawyer Batman all the credit on that one. I don't think I could have handled that on my own. But it does seem that if that first person stops, usually a couple others will too. It's a nice caveat to human nature, a bit of a counterbalance to all the people who keep walking.

Stereoscopic is the show

Been almost a week now. I can't say that I am any less uncomfortable, but I am focused on getting a job. That seems like step one of regaining some stability in my life. I've been applying to university and government jobs, and I broke down and contacted a recruiter. I've had more negative experiences with finance and accounting recruiters than positive. They always tell you they are working for you, but they are working for the companies. Problem is, if you approach a lot of these companies yourself, they direct you to submit your resume online, and then totally ignore online applications. I also broke down and changed my hair color back to a normal color, and took out one of my lip piercings and put a retainer in my septum (nose). But I left the other two lip piercings in.

I'm in kind of a bind because I like working in accounting and audit, but even in "creative" companies the accounting department tends to be the most conservative. I suspect that a contributing factor is that they teach you in big-four audit firms to overdress as compared to the client, and companies love to hire people with big-four experience who bring that culture with them. Part of it is the intimidation factor- when the auditors in suits come in, people snap to attention. But there is also this odd lust for conformity, and an insistence on something that accountants should really know better about, form over substance. Looking like you know what you are talking about is more important than actually knowing what you are talking about. Conformity is very dangerous too. It's so common in fraud cases for people to overlook the ethics of what they are doing because everyone else is okay with it. People have actually used that as an argument when I've questioned things, i.e. you're the only one who has a problem with this, so it must be a problem with you! In an environment where people are afraid to stand out and disagree, and appearances matter more than reality, the best work is not done. The best people aren't hired and promoted. Mistakes aren't acknowledged and fixed. I find it wildly ironic that audit especially, who's whole reason for existence is to be a voice of dissent, is so constrained by social conformity and not challenging people's assumptions.

Lately, I feel like I made a giant mistake- I thought if I "paid my dues" in accounting that I would get past the having to continuously prove myself and be appreciated for my experience and knowledge. And passion for the work. And ethical standards. After 15 years, I'm not sure that will ever be the case. I'm worried I won't be able to afford to live in Seattle, even for the short term, without the type of job I'm so loathe to return to. I don't know what else to do. I realize that I am engaging in black and white thinking right now though. Getting a job takes time, and I haven't actually been rejected for anything based on my appearance, and maybe I will find a job in my field that will be at a place with a more diverse culture. That is exactly why I'm trying to stay away from the more intensely corporate environments, and why I have a lot of skepticism about the kinds of jobs that recruiters steer me towards. So we'll see. I'm wondering what my plan B should be though.

It feels strange to be driving around Seattle, and it seems like the same place I've lived in for most of my adult life, but then a completely different place at the same time. I don't know how to get around, and where to go, and oh my god the parking. I remember feeling this way when I first moved to Los Angeles. I didn't know the city and it was hard. I have this weird thing about parking. If I don't know where to park I get really anxious, and I don't want to go places where I don't have the parking figured out. That was L.A. when I first moved there, and it's Seattle now. I've been hanging out in coffee shops applying for jobs online, but I'm kind of constrained as to where I feel comfortable going because I panic if there's not parking. I just drive around some of the time, which is not a bad thing necessarily. I'm getting used to the way Seattle looks now. It might be withdrawal from all the L.A. driving. I've also put out feelers for hockey, which would really help me feel better. The women's league here has a evaluation skate this Monday, but in my communication with them they keep emphasizing how there's only four spots left, and if you don't sign up ahead of time there might not be a spot, and the teams fill up, and if there's no spots you can't play. Signing up involves becomes a member ($550 to $625) plus a $75 fee for the evaluation skate. Uh, no. So yeah. Wondering about plan B.